Bagenders Episode: The Unexpected Housemate
by Heidikins05
Summary: A funny story copied from some much better ones (website details inside). The Fellowship are living in a share house, in Britain, in this century. Very funny, very frustrating for some members of the Fellowship


THE UNEXPECTED HOUSEMATE  
  
The day started out normally enough for Legolas; he woke up a good hour earlier than anyone else to treat himself to a bath and soak before work. It was going to be a long day; he knew this because it was the start of Senior Citizens Week, which meant he would be bored for a week by old lady stories, and have to put up with older men wheezing and coughing insults his way like Gandalf-wannabes.  
  
After a 45-minute bath he felt better and, wrapping his hair in a towel and his body in his work uniform, went downstairs for an extra-large serving of muesli.  
  
Aragorn arrived a few minutes later.  
  
"Shouldn't you have a shower?" Legolas asked him.  
  
"It's not my time of the month yet," Aragorn replied, sitting down.  
  
Legolas didn't bother pointing out what was stupid about this statement, just pulled the bills that had been sitting on the table since yesterday morning towards him. First, the phone bill.  
  
"Gandalf's been calling the capital of Asteria again," he sighed, scanning down it. "And someone keeps calling the talking clock."  
  
"Frodo's approaching another episode," Aragorn explained, "That's his latest ...thing."  
  
Legolas sighed again, and set the phone bill aside. He rubbed his temples before picking up another bill. Electricity.  
  
"Oh, this one isn't so bad for once," he said gratefully, "since we've taken to turning off the TV while Gandalf sleeps."  
  
Aragorn just grunted and plonked himself and his toast down at the table. Legolas grabbed yet another bill, the water one. He took one look at it and decided to put his foot down: no homemade pools allowed Merriadoc. Besides, Sam wasn't too impressed about his dug-up tulips.  
  
The final bill was a special one that he was willing to bet his immortality on the fact that no one else received one: beer bill.  
  
The local liquor store had decided a little while back that it would be easier to just give the various alcohol consuming Fellowship members their beer for free and send a bill every month.  
  
"Do you realise how much alcohol you people drink? We're having the same problem as we did at the old house!"  
  
"Moving house was not going to stop Gandalf being an alcoholic," Aragorn pointed out.  
  
"That's not the bloody point!" Legolas said, getting angry. "We can't pay this much each month just for you people to get smashed! No way. There's not enough money, not even now that I've sold that Leonardo painting."  
  
"So what do you propose we do?" Aragorn said boredly, dropping his plate into the sink.  
  
The loud noise caused Gandalf to wake up and begin swearing almost instantly when he noticed the TV was off, not to mention the fact that it was only 8:00am. He hadn't been up this early since the Second Age, and that had been because of an unfortunate incident he didn't like reliving, involving Radagast and a toy duck. He turned on the TV, but unfortunately was only met with childrens cartoons. So he settled down to sleep again.  
  
"There's only so many things we can do," Legolas shrugged now that Gandalf had shut up. "Stop drinking so much, or come up with another way of making money."  
  
"Lets talk about it tonight when everyone else is around to help out," Aragorn suggested, standing up. "I have to get going."  
  
"You're right," Legolas agreed, also standing up. "I should be going too. I hate having to serve on the late train, there's always some school of kids going on an excursion."  
  
A fair while after those two left the house, the hobbits made their way downstairs. Frodo was surprised that Legolas and Aragorn weren't there for him to make breakfast for. Merry and Pippin were surprised that they still had jobs to wake up to go to. Sam was perhaps the only one not surprised.  
  
"Eh, w'ass this?" Pippin slurred. His Scottish accent wasn't good in the mornings. "Eh Merry, issa beer bill."  
  
Merry leaned across the table and swiped it from his friend. He proceeded to read it aloud to the assembled hobbits.  
  
"We owe 'bout 200 quid fer booze," he announced. "Bet Legolas hit the roof when 'e read that."  
  
There was a pause as all hobbits imagined an angry Legolas pinned to the roof in much the same way as he would be should Gandalf have done it. They giggled.  
  
"Well, he cannae do anything aboot it right now," Pippin shrugged. "'Eh Frodo, got us some breakfast?"  
  
Frodo set down the plate of bacon, eggs and toast and happily watched them dig in.  
  
"What's with the happy face?" Merry asked.  
  
"I'm glad that you too have still got jobs to go to, because it means I can do my hoovering without you getting underfoot demanding food and drink."  
  
"'Eh, we're no that bad."  
  
"Yes you are. Now hurry up, I don't want you being fired for being late. Hurry up!"  
  
The hobbits attempted to simultaneously scoff food, have an argument and drink all at the same time, failed miserably, and trooped upstairs to dress while Frodo concentrated on washing the plates by rubbing them together. The psychotic episode drew closer...

* * *

"Calling to order the Official Beer Meeting." Legolas, being head chairelf, began all meetings like this.  
  
Everyone at he table perked up instantly, thinking of a meeting revolving entirely around drinking beer.  
  
"I dinnae bring any drink. Can I go up and get some?"  
  
"This meeting isn't so we can drink beer," Legolas said, giving them all Scary Elf eyes. The Fellowship cowered; this Elf meant business. "This household drinks far oo much of it as it is. This meeting is to stop that."  
  
There were cries of alarm and abuse, especially from Pippin who used any occasion to swear.  
  
"Either that-" Legolas said over the top of them. "-or come up with a new means of making money. Which means that you might have to get a job Frodo. And you two will have to get extra ones."  
  
"No way!" Pippin said. "Tha's no happening. We work hard enough as it is."  
  
"You do not."  
  
"Eh I know!" Merry announced, "Me and Pip can move in with Frodo and Sam again. And we can rent out our old room."  
  
"Your room. The one with the mountains of old laundry and food?"  
  
"We can clean it! I think it's a great idea!" Pippin piped up.  
  
Seeing as no one else felt like giving up beer any time soon, they all agreed (with the exception of Legolas) that if Merry Pippin cleaned the whole room up they would rent it out.  
  
"We'll have to put an ad in the paper."  
  
"Let's start writing it now."  
  
"You do that, me and Pip will go make a start on the room."  
  
The two cleaning hobbits set of on their mission, and everyone else gathered around Legolas who had given up and was now trying to write an ad for the room.  
  
"We should tell them who lives here, just so they know."  
  
"Like anyone would believe in hobbits, Elves and Dwarves. And if they do, it will be worse for us!"  
  
"We could say "you will be sharing a house with a man, a midget, four smaller midgets, and a hippy with an ear job.""  
  
Legolas glared at Frodo so viciously he quickly retreated to the stove to make everyone a cup of tea.  
  
"We can tell them that when they come to see the room," he said through gritted teeth.  
  
There were many more suggestions along the lines of "we are immortal so don't bother trying to kill us" and "there's an old drunk in the living room who will try to molest anything with breasts." Legolas turned all of them down.  
  
Merry and Pippin came in for a drink just as he was reading out the finished ad.  
  
"It wis a bad idea putting the address in there."  
  
"No it wasn't, how else are they supposed to know where to go?"  
  
"Well I dunno, but we could have someone who we don't want to rent the room out to come along."  
  
"Like who?"  
  
"... The Twins?"  
  
Everyone stopped to think. The Twins were amusing... for the first hour or so. Then they got on your nerves.  
  
"We'll tell them it's already filled."  
  
"Okay."  
  
The job fell to Aragorn to take the ad up and have it published because he was the only one with a car. After much grumbling he left and the rest of the Fellowship settled down to watch Channel 5.

* * *

Two weeks later  
  
Merry and Pippin's room had been cleaned out, dis-infected and sprayed with nice-smelling stuff. The Fellowship were sitting all together in the lounge at 10am in the morning on a Saturday, which was strange. They were dressed casual-smart and awaited their fourth visitor. As an afterthought they had put a large blanket over Gandalf.  
  
The first three had been complete disasters; the first ever person two look at the house announced she didn't like the black on the walls in the room and it would have to be re-painted at their financial expense. Then she decided the bathroom needed curtains, not venetian blinds. Finally, she asked what the god-awful smell coming from the kitchen was (tonights dinner and Frodo's specialty, tuna casserole) and told Merry and Pippin they needed to lose weight and find better jobs.  
  
She was sent to Casualty, then home.  
  
Second had been an extremely camp man who made Celeborn look butch. He paid no attention to any of the rooms in the house, but spent the entire time coming onto Legolas, who finally could take it no more, told the camp man he was not gay, and threw him out.  
  
The third person was brushed off instantly by the hobbits, who announced they "didn't want a pimply freak with a GameBoy permanently attatched to his hands living in their old room." Legolas had to agree.  
  
And so they had come to visit number four, whom they waited patiently for.  
  
"Should I make some tea?"  
  
"Yes go ahead Frodo."  
  
"But we've already had three cups, I don't think I can handle any more!"  
  
Merry's complaining was cut short by the doorbell ringing shrilly, announcing the arrival of their fourth possible housmate-to-be. Legolas had already been chosen as the door-answerer, and so he went to do his job.  
  
"Um... hello. Are you looking for someone?"  
  
"Are you a guy or a girl? Why's your hair so long? Do you have any room for me?"  
  
The Fellowship looked at each other, leapt to their feet and ran to the door as well.  
  
Standing there was a nine-year-old boy clutching spiky black things in his hands and asking Legolas rude questions.  
  
"You're here for the room?" he asked disbelievingly.  
  
"Yeah that's me. Is it already gone, coz whatever the people are payin you I'll double it. I'm desperate to set up me train."  
  
The penny dropped with Legolas and he knew the spiky black things were train tracks.  
  
"I'm afraid there's a um... age limit. What's your phone number, I'll call your parents to pick you up."  
  
"No need guv, I'll keep searching."  
  
The boy turned and headed off down the drive again. Legolas with his Elf eyes and ears could see him going next door and asking them if they had any room for his train. He shut the door quickly.  
  
"That's it, no more," he announced, "I'm sick of bossy women, camp men, ugly teens and weird train-loving kids. You guys will have to stop drinking, and I'm taking the ad out of the paper tomorrow."  
  
There were cries of doom and Gandalf had woken up when he heard the words "stop drinking." He tried to pin Legolas to the ceiling, but couldn't see him.  
  
"Please Legolas, one more person!" the hobbits begged. "One more!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please!"  
  
"No."  
  
Legolas went back into the lounge. Gandalf instantly had him on the ceiling.  
  
"If you're lucky you'll be an exception to the rule." Legolas was lowered to the ground.  
  
"One more!"  
  
"No."  
  
Legolas settled himself down on the couch beside Aragorn to watch TV, though he wasn't really interested in the childrens cartoons on there.  
  
"Please Legolas!" The hobbits wouldn't give up.  
  
"Come on Legolas, one more isn't much embarrassment," Aragorn said.  
  
"Not you too. NO."

* * *

That afternoon  
  
Legolas wandered upstairs to use the bathroom. He opened the door...  
  
"Please Legolas, one more try!"  
  
"Why are you in the toilet bowl?"  
  
"Please!"  
  
Legolas closed the lid on Pippin and went downstairs. The begging had been going on all day; he needed camomile tea.  
  
He opened his little jar and pulled out a teabag. Someone had stuck a post- it note to it and written "come on Legolas, one more person!"  
  
Legolas tossed it aside and pulled out another. It had the same message on the same type of post-it note. Suspicious, he upturned the jar and let all the teabags fall out.  
  
All of them had post-it notes on them.

* * *

That night  
  
Legolas headed into his bedroom with a migraine and the word "please!" running through his head. He needed sleep.  
  
He clicked on the light in his room. Three hobbits looked up at him pleadingly from the middle of the floor.  
  
"Don't say it..."  
  
"Please Legolas! Please!"  
  
"Go away!"  
  
"No! Please?"  
  
Legolas sighed and went over to his bed. He grabbed his pyjamas pointedly and looked at the hobbits. They looked right back at him.  
  
"I'm trying to change. Go away."  
  
"No, this is our embarrassing protest. We're staying right here!"  
  
Legolas took off his shirt slowly and set it down on his bed. The hobbits didn't bat an eye.  
  
"This is beyond embarrassing for all of us. GO AWAY!"  
  
"No! See one more person!"  
  
"No!"  
  
The hobbits fidgeted and made themselves more comfortable. Legolas relented and went to change in the bathroom. The hobbits banged on the door the whole time, keeping rhythm with their please's. Legolas' migraine got worse.  
  
He left the bathroom, pushed past the hobbits and went downstairs for an aspirin. The packet was empty but for a note: "Suffer Elf-boy. See one more person and we won't flush them down the toilet."  
  
"That is beyond cruel," Legolas muttered sadly. Had he not been a smug Elf he would have cried. Instead he held his head high, put the note in the bin, and headed back into his room.  
  
The hobbits were there again, chatting away and arranging their pillows. Legolas groaned and got into bed.  
  
Several hours later the hobbits realised them repeating "please" was not having the desired result. Merry and Pippin cleared their throats and began to sing.  
  
"An Elven maid there was of old! A shining star by day! Her mantle white – "  
  
Legolas had had it. Not only did he give in and agree to see one last person, he also knocked Merry and Pippin's heads together and told them that if they sang an Elvish song so terribly again he would murder them over and over until the Valar kept them.

* * *

The next day  
  
The hobbits woke at about 12pm and came downstairs. Legolas was at the table with his head in his hands.  
  
"What's wrong Legolas?"  
  
"Migraine you brats."  
  
"Oh." Pippin pulled the aspirins out of his pocket and got a glass of water. After a quick calculation he dropped all six of them in there, and gave it to Legolas, who sculled it instantly and lowered his head back down onto the table.  
  
"Thankyou. Go away."  
  
For once the hobbits listened and went to watch Sunday afternoon television, which isn't even that interesting anyway.  
  
"Hey Merry, I just remembered!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's Easter soon!"  
  
"Hey yeah!"  
  
"D'you reckon we'll get a decent housemate who'll give us lots of chocolate?"  
  
"Let's pray."  
  
"Okay. Dear Elbereth, give us someone who'll give us chocolate or we'll come up there with Gandalf and – "  
  
"What are you two doing?" Aragorn entered the lounge.  
  
"Nothing. So Aragorn, it's Easter soon."  
  
"You've still got a whole month to go."  
  
"Yeah, we left it a bit late."  
  
Aragorn ignored the both of them and sat down to watch some TV. Merry and Pippin went to pester Gimli about chocolate, passing the kitchen just as the phone rang. They both leapt for it but Legolas beat them to it and picked it up boredly. Or maybe in the manner of one who has a vicious migraine, who knows, the point is he picked it up.  
  
"Hello? ............ Yes it is still for rent....... Are you now, are you really, that's good... yes come by next Saturday, 10am......... you think so? Well we'll see when you get here. Goodbye."  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at Legolas expectantly.  
  
"Yes, someone is coming by next Saturday, yes it's a female, though I think she must be crazy because she thinks she would like to live here. Now do me a favour and ask Aragorn to go buy me some more aspirin."

* * *

The week passed normally enough; Merry and Pippin went through two jobs each. Legolas was molested by schoolgirls no less than seven times. Aragorn was also molested, but by a squirrel, which makes it more disturbing.  
  
They were all glad when sleep-in-Saturday arrived, then remembered they had to be up early to welcome the fifth houseguest.  
  
"All I'm asking is why you keep inviting them 'round in the morning. On a Saturday. It's not natural!"  
  
"Be quiet Merry."  
  
Frodo bounced about nervously and threw the sideboard shifty looks. Aragorn threw him shifty looks.  
  
"Frodo, she'll be here soon, why don't you make a cup of tea? ...Or nine."  
  
"Oh – okay." Frodo stuttered and stumbled his way into the kitchen to make the tea.  
  
"What a state to have him in when she's coming around to meet us."  
  
"Maybe she'll feel sorry for him and think that we can't take care of him and stay on to do so herself."  
  
"Excuse me, I can take perfectly good care of Mr. Frodo."  
  
"Yeah, that's why he keeps looking at the sideboard."  
  
"You keep out of this Longshanks."  
  
"Hey I'm three times as tall as you so watch it."  
  
"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" Legolas coupled this statement with the Scary Elf eyes.  
  
The doorbell rang. Everyone froze and looked at Legolas. He looked straight back at them, then rose and headed for the door. Everyone else crowded in the doorway to watch with baited breath as he opened it...  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Hi, my name's Ell, I'm here about the room!"  
  
"She's got it," the rest of the Fellowship said as one.  
  
In the doorway stood a woman who was in about her twenties with long brown hair, "huge knockers" and a very happy smile.  
  
"Come in," Legolas invited, giving the others some more Scary Elf eyes. They backed away into the lounge again.  
  
"First I should introduce you to everyone," Legolas offered, leading her through to the lounge. "That's Aragorn, that there is Gimli, and these are Sam, Merry and Pippin. Frodo's in the kitchen making tea. Gandalf is the thing snoring under the blanket. And I'm Legolas."  
  
There was the general "hello's," "how are you's," "got a boyfriend's?" and snores.  
  
Legolas turned to call for Frodo and Ell caught sight of his pointy ear.  
  
"Oh my god you're like, an Elf!"  
  
Legolas clapped a hand over the offending ear to hide it, and also because it hurt after Ell yelled into it.  
  
"Oh thank the Valar, I totally thought I would have to wear my hair like this forever," Ell sighed, sweeping it back behind her ears. Her pointed ears. "My name's like, Elwin."  
  
Everyone stared disbelievingly, but Elwin just smiled.  
  
"So you're the Fellowship? You saved the world back in, like, the Second Age or something right? Anyway, that was totally cool. So can I see the room?"  
  
"Just upstairs," Legolas said, recovering magnificently.  
  
He led the way, with the entire Fellowship trailing behind him. On the way he pointed out such fine points as the kitchen, room under the stairs, bathroom, other rooms, and things that fell down easily.  
  
"This room is like, totally perfect. Can I put stuff on the walls? Only they're kinda black."  
  
"Yeah, go figure," Legolas muttered, "Yes you can put things on the wall!"  
  
"Very cool. So I can like have the room? Forever?"  
  
"Well I'll probably have to discuss it with the others, but I think I can safely say YES!"  
  
"Very cool. I'll move in on Monday."

* * *

"So what did we think?" Legolas asked over second breakfast, though truth- be-told only the hobbits were eating. "I did the right thing, saying yes?"  
  
"You did good Legolas."  
  
"We told you, dinnae we, to try one more person! You ought to thank us."  
  
"Pippin the day I thank you is the day Gandalf drops dead and never comes back. And I'll be thanking everyone that day."  
  
"Speaking of Gandalf, we'll have to keep an eye on him."  
  
"Why? He was very well-behaved today."  
  
"Yes, because he was asleep. What happens the day he wakes up and finds out there's a immortal woman with huge knockers living with us forever?"  
  
"She sure won't be living with us forever after that day."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Well I guess we'll just have to warn her about him."  
  
"That'll work; Elwin we really want you to stay with us, but just be warned that sooner or later you're going to be molested by a dirty old man who none of us can control."  
  
"She sounded like she'll get over it."  
  
"She sounded like the Twins. She said "like" and "totally" a lot."  
  
"Maybe she's a surfer?"  
  
"She didn't dress like a surfer."  
  
"How would you know what female surfers wear Merry?"  
  
"I'm a magnet to them Pippin."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"Jealous prick."  
  
"Shut up both of you. We Elves don't surf."  
  
"The Twins do."  
  
"They're not proper Elves."  
  
The discussion-come-argument was interrupted by an alarm and excited starting of heavy breathing coming from Gandalf.  
  
"Buffy!"  
  
The second breakfast was abandoned by all but Pippin, who stuffed everything within reach into his mouth and followed the others into the lounge.

* * *

Aragorn, Legolas, Merry and Pippin were up early on Sunday so they could eat breakfast before going to the furniture outlet because they had realised that there was no bed in the room they were renting out. There wasn't any dressing table or lamp or anything else for that matter. Everyone, including Elwin, had managed to overlook the fact that the entire room was bare.  
  
Merry and Pippin were attempting to explain their reasons for coming. "We can help you buy the furniture. We have an eye for... whatsitcalled."  
  
"Décor?"  
  
"Yeah that."  
  
"Plus me and Pippin know what women like. So we can make it womanly décor."  
  
"How many women work at this furniture store you two?"  
  
"About three or four."  
  
"And how many of these women appeal to you?"  
  
"About three or four."  
  
Legolas sighed. "Alright alright, you can come." Merry and Pippin exchanged triumphant looks. "If you can prove you're going to be useful."  
  
"We'll be useful, you'll see..." 

Half an hour later Aragorn's beat-up Landrover pulled into the carpark of the nearest furniture outlet, Camp Cabinets; "our closets are the classiest!"  
  
Merry and Pippin spent another half an hour in hysterics in the middle of the carpark, until they were almost run over. Aragorn and Legolas dragged them into the store, deposited them in two display chairs, and set off searching for a bed.  
  
"Look, that one's just like all the others in the house."  
  
"Yeah but it's a single bed, she'll need a double."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She might have a boyfriend."  
  
"They can go to his house."  
  
"That's not very nice Legolas."  
  
"You're just hoping to get laid."  
  
"... At least Men have sex drives!"  
  
"Yes, but yours will scare her away before she's stayed long enough to pay her first instalment of rent money."  
  
Merry and Pippin came wandering out of the desk displays holding slips of paper.  
  
"Hey guys! We pulled!"  
  
"Is that what you've been doing this whole time? Meeting women?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"What else is there to do?"  
  
"We came here to choose furniture!"  
  
"Oh." Pippin spotted the double bed Aragorn had been pointing to. "Well you have to get that one, don't you?"  
  
"Do I?"  
  
"Yes, coz women like double beds. And it has enough room for two people..."  
  
"Three, if some of them are hobbits."  
  
"You all have extremely one-track minds." They looked at Legolas blankly. "Fine, we'll get the double bed... if you three can afford it."  
  
"Don't worry Legolas, we can get it on tax."  
  
"On tax. And how, pray, are you going to get it on tax?"  
  
"You'll see. You buy the stuff, we'll get it cheap..."

* * *

That afternoon  
  
The new furniture had been bought home. True to their word, Merry and Pippin had gotten everything for 50% off after reasoning with the manager that by law they only had to pay half price for everything because of the "Old Alchohic Man" tax.  
  
"We're telling you, we need this stuff to furnish our great great grandfathers bedroom! He's very old you see; he needs a warm bed to stop his brain freezing! And a chest of drawers to keep his not-brain-freezing medicine in! And he wears the lampshade on his head to stop his brain freezing!" They had argued their point well (at least they thought so), and were given the discount (as the store manager thought they might be insane).  
  
Legolas was now giving Aragorn directions as to where to put everything. "More to the left. No your other left! Back a bit... I said back a bit! Are you even listening?"  
  
"Why don't you come and help?"  
  
"Because I um... have a migraine. Yes. From the other week."  
  
"Your migraine has been bothering you for a week straight?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No it hasn't."  
  
"How would you know? Just put the bed down there, it'll have to do. The chest of drawers can go beside it, the lamp on top of that, and the dresser over there."  
  
"Are you going to do any of this?"  
  
"Why should I? Can't the big strong Man do it alone?"  
  
"Shurrup Legolas."

* * *

Monday morning. Everyone was preparing to go to work, except for Merry and Pippin who were jobless and loving it. Or would be, if they were awake.  
  
"Alright, Elwin is arriving tonight at four, so we all have to be home by three-thirty."  
  
"How are you supposed to get home that early? They won't let you off the trains!"  
  
"I'll get off anyway. Don't worry about me anyway, worry about yourself. Last time you needed to be home early you didn't get here till nine because you were inspecting a new type of tree fungus that turned out to be someone's old gum. I don't want that happening again."  
  
"Well what were they doing sticking gum to the trees?" Legolas gave him a look. "Alright alright, I'll be home early."  
  
Sam entered the kitchen and gave Legolas an apologetic look. "Frodo's in the sideboard again."  
  
"Is it severe?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then have him out by tonight."  
  
Three-thirty rocked around. Merry and Pippin were forced out of bed, as was Gimli, and made to put some clothes on.  
  
"Well she woke us up, so she can put up wi'us in the raw."  
  
"Legolas will be here before her, and he'll hurt you Pippin."  
  
"Then again, I do have some nice clothes I wis going to wear..." 

Half an hour later, downstairs, everyone was in waiting-for-guests mode. They were dressed casual-smart, except for Aragorn and Legolas who were dressed just-got-home-from-work-and-have-been-running-around-trying-to-make- other-housemates-dress-and-get-out-of-the-sideboard.  
  
Merry and Pippin began to sing "100 bottles of beer on the wall" in the hope that 100 bottles of beer would magically appear on the wall, but not too high up. They only reached 94 before they were told to shut up, and Gandalf pinned them to the ceiling.  
  
It was in the midst of all this fighting that the doorbell rang. Merry and Pippin were dropped unceremoniously to the floor while everyone else proceeded to find awful faults with the set-up of the couch cushions that could lead to Elwin not wanting to stay. So Legolas went to answer the door.  
  
Elwin was standing there, waving goodbye to two long-haired people in a sportscar, who had obviously dropped her off. They drove away yelling "dude." An ominous sign about the kind of friends Elwin had, but Legolas chose not to dwell on it.  
  
"Elwin, hi."  
  
"Hi, sorry I'm late, those two totally lost their way. How is everyone since I last saw you?"  
  
In answer to her question Frodo went flying past into the kitchen, gibbering about something. The only discernable word was "tea".  
  
"He's having another episode, they happen a lot, you'll get used to it. Can I take anything upstairs for you?"  
  
"Umm sure. But are you like certain he's okay? He seemed a bit like... delusional."  
  
"Oh no he's fine. Do you want me to take this?"  
  
"No I'll take that. It's my baby." Elwin gave whatever was inside the black bag a kiss.  
  
"You're a mother?"  
  
"No no, it's my camera. I'm like a documentarist." Legoals raised an eyebrow at the very obviously made-up word. "I make documentaries on like, stuff."  
  
"Of course. Come on, you can see everyone later, they're not going anywhere."  
  
"Hi guys!" Elwin yelled as she was led upstairs to put her things away.  
  
"Just a few simple things you should know. Frodo has psychotic episodes, as I explained; Gandalf likes loud TV, which isn't so good considering most of the stuff he watches is porn; Sam is a gardener and Frodo's live- in carer, but we also have a psychiatrist called Julie who drops in every now and then; Aragorn has issues with an ex-wife; and Merry and Pippin go through more jobs and women than you can shake a stick at."  
  
"Should I like write this down?"  
  
"Nah, you'll soon get used to the noise and the episodes and the flirting and the mo – " Legolas paused, wondering if he should really tell her she was going to be molested? No, he'd just wait for it to happen. "– Many other issues," he invented quickly.  
  
"Sounds like fun. What's for dinner?"

* * *

Dinner that night was... interesting. Legolas had acquired the fertility statue from wherever the hell it was kept in the house and any hint of flirting by Merry or Pippin was answered with a smack on the head.  
  
So they changed tactics from trying to get laid, to trying to get Easter eggs.  
  
"Easter this year is going to be better than last years!" Merry announced.  
  
"And why would you say that?"  
  
"Because we have a new housemate, which means more eggs."  
  
Legolas bopped him on the head again.  
  
"Legolas, put that back where you got it and use a rolling pin or something."  
  
"Yeah, it's real unnerving tae be hit on t'head with one of those."

* * *

A week had passed. Gandalf had tried and failed twice now to molest Elwin, and had finally settled down again and gotten used to life with her around the house. She hadn't sued or left the house, but only because Legolas had managed to pretend it had never happened before, no thanks to Merry and Pippin who both had sat there trying to say it had.  
  
Said hobbits were also enjoying having her around the house, especially after she gave them the un-aired copy of her documentary on the PlayBoy Mansion and after they'd found out they could have ten minutes of Channel 5 type entertainment from her if they gave her a stick-shaped icy pole and watched her eat it.  
  
Sam had found that she could keep a safe eye on Frodo in the kitchen every now and again while he was out gardening, and Frodo had discovered that she was the only one in the house (save for Gandalf) who willingly let him use the stove and the oven.  
  
Legolas was glad to have a fellow Elf around the house to help him keep his sanity, and Aragorn was being given extra treats to take for lunch each day (which usually consisted of chocolate liquors).  
  
Gimli was the only one who hadn't spent any time with her because after she moved in he had gone back to his old ways of working all night and sleeping all day. But hey, you can't win them all.  
  
But everything that happens to the Fellowship has a downside (at least this is Legolas' theory) and the downside to this latest change happened on a Sunday over breakfast.  
  
Elwin came downstairs looking glum and announced that she was out of ideas to do a documentary on.  
  
"Keep it down you two! You're like wild animals!" Legolas threw a saucepan at Merry and Pippin to interrupt their fight. "I'm sorry Elwin, what did you say?"  
  
Elwin smiled happily. And Legolas knew it couldn't be good. "Hey, I can film you guys! It will be "A Day In The Life Of A Fellowship!" What do you think?"  
  
"Sounds great. We'll do it!"  
  
Legolas felt his sanity slowly slipping away again. He needed a cup of tea.

* * *

Well I hope you liked that, it was my attempt at a Bagenders Episode. I wanted it punlished on the actual site, but they told me they couldn't. However, I could publish it here on FanFiction if I linked back to their site. Their stories (Lady Alyssa and Random Dent that is) are much much better than mine so go there! http:bagenders.stormpages.com 


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